I have compared my constant inner thoughts about Summer and our last year at St. Jude to Tinitous. By reading this I have probably doomed you to ad campaigns for miracle cures for hearing loss! For me… A constant drone that is always screaming in the background of my brain… Her name. Her face. That smile she gave me from the hospice bed a few days before she passed.
If I wake up early it’s inevitable that I am going to start thinking about her. How unfair it is. Did she have any wishes? Should I be going through all of her books looking for notes that give me more understanding of her life? What did we miss?
During my work day, I am going to talk to someone about her for a few minutes… Those conversations are easy. I am getting a lot better at them. Today I got an email from a St. Jude employee about Summer and I was about in tears. I had to apologize to the tech who was waiting for me to pay attention to him. At this point… I just accept wiping a tear every once and a while throughout the day. I don’t care who is watching.
When I drive home from work. I get to the hill on 474 about 5 minutes from Fort’s before I start thinking about her. I told Chris tonight that I must be triggered by something on that road that I am passing by.
And it’s not that I am crying or getting overly emotional every time… But my mind is engulfed in thoughts from all directions of her life.
The worst side effect I have run into is when I have had a few drinks.
This is a new one. I had 4 beers a few weeks ago while socializing with the guys… I didn’t think anything about it… But later I found myself on the couch getting VERY sentimental as I looked through old pictures on my Google Photos account. I do this a lot… But, apparently, this is now dangerous territory. I ended up posting a photo on Facebook that was a little on the “mushy” side. It was honest… But, it was a classic cliche social media “my life is worse than yours right now” post. I don’t do those. They are icky and grossly narcissistic. (Truly, if using the definition)
Over the weekend I attended a party for Ms Hazel in Bloomington. I slipped in 2 Rick’s Hop Water’s along with an amazing IPA that Sandra had given me into my cooler knowing I was not going to drink much. I had equal love for all the beverages drank… But found myself to be more level when got home. Honestly, over the past year, I really have toned down the amount of alcohol I consume. Mostly because I have been away from the social gatherings that generally inspire a few drinks. I don’t, as a rule, ever drink beer or anything when by myself or with Angela. It’s all social with me.
I think this consumption level will stay pretty in check now that I know the side effects.
I know all of this will fade a little. It has to! Because it certainly does not feel normal or helpful. It feels more like trauma that still has a place in the front seat of my mind.
This really is a “blog post”. There’s a “why would I post this?” thought that goes through my head as I write this.
I convinced myself after talking to a lot of people over the last two months that sharing this kind of information is helpful. Helpful in the regard that if you are feeling the same things during a bad time in your life… You are not alone.