Survivors Guilt

I was waffling over making this post.  I didn’t want to be Debbie Downer and do a massive trauma dump, but I had the best and worst conversation with a customer (probably a friend at this point) about her cancer.  It was the weight I needed to tip me toward making this post.

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When Summer got sick, I started hearing from people about their struggles.   When Summer passed, I had one particular person, Kristen, who is about my age, tell me that she was struggling with “Survivors Guilt”.  I was shocked by the admission.  Kristen had shared with me that she was in the midst of her own cancer treatment.  (Something I would have never guessed by looking at her)  We talked and I started to wrap my head around the thought process that put a stranger to Summer in a position where she feels guilty for living.  It’s not easy to empathize with someone in that situation.  They are living on an entirely different plain of awareness.

The fraternity of cancer patients is a terrible group to belong to.  Especially those in ongoing treatments.  Survivors never breathe a breath of relief.  The “scanxiety” and checkups never stop.

Over the past few months, a few of the people that I know who were “cancer-free” or in treatment have gotten bad news.  More cancer.  More treatment.  More surgery.  And the worst of all, no more treatment is available.

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I have a list of people who are in various stages of treatment and care.  I want to share.  Do with it what you will.  For me its a reminder that no matter how bad you think you have it…  Someone else and their family are going through their own personal Hell.

This is also a list of amazing people that I care about.  I care that they get well as they cared about Summer getting well.  I know what their families are going through.  I don’t wish it on anyone.

I know their stories.  I know their current status.  I could give you updates of all these folks, but, if you follow the links below, you can read them for yourself.

Carson:  https://www.caringbridge.org/site/ff49a6b5-349b-37cd-8b1b-4f4d0ebb68b4

Reed:  https://www.caringbridge.org/site/fe28e500-41c1-3a53-8147-187e035a1c85

Jon:  https://www.caringbridge.org/site/032515ef-e2f5-3d64-beda-4213f8e679e6

Shannah:  https://www.caringbridge.org/site/91021487-4594-39be-8784-1ac5f9dfb98f

Holly:  https://www.caringbridge.org/site/c153b5fc-eba6-3f08-81f6-2fa582be4bec

Daviney:  https://www.gofundme.com/account/impact/davineys-fight

Kristen, who I mentioned above… I am not aware of her having a fundraising page.

There are others.  Jane, an old coworker of Dad’s has her cancer treatment ongoing.   Some of Summer’s teen life friends from St. Jude.  Faith.  More will probably come to me after I post this.

I am not glad for it, because the last 3 years are a nightmare that still makes me wonder about reality, but I have some thankfulness that Summer made me aware of other people and their problems.  Before our time at St. Jude, I was blissfully unaware of cancer, childhood cancer or what life can look like with a sick child.

I was pulled to that next level of awareness

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