I should not be here? I should be here?
This keeps flipping around in my mind as we are constantly adjusting my body for comfort on the long flight from Chicago to Munich.
A few years ago at the onset of the global pandemic, our trip to Italy was cancelled days before departure because Venice was scrambling to deal with the onslaught of COVID Cases. That trip was booked with the intention for the whole family, ours and my folks, cousins and others to make it back to the Giancarli sacred ground in the rural town of Beffi.
Beffi has been on my bucket list for…. Well…. Forever. We still have family here and the family still owns the home that my Great Grandfather Dominic was born in. Dominic is my Grandmother Marie’s Father.
It was a life goal to see this place and be able to share the experience with the kids. How amazing is the potential of this connection to the “old world”?
After that trip was cancelled…. We parlayed the saved traveling funds into our Yucatán adventure. Mexico was not nearly as strict as Europe about travel and I will go on the record and say that Mexico trip was one of our all time favorite adventures. No lines as the world hid from the virus.
Fast forward, or rewind, however you want to think about it, to last year. The Aunts and Uncles were replanning the Beffi trip for 2023. We had an open invite but we were cautiously watching time tables as Summer went through treatment. There was no way to commit to this trip with any certainty. After Summer was given 6 months in May there was definitely no way it was going to happen. After she passed on June 23rd… well… Life as we know it was over. We should never celebrate or enjoy a day without guilt? Right?
That may seem dour and self flagellating but you do carry a weight after a loss like Summer that feels like you should portray your sorrow to the world. A black ceremonial gown that lets everyone know you are in mourning is almost better. (Zorba the Greek). Then everyone can see without any explanation that you are living your life under a cloud.
Both of us had been back to work for a few months after Summer passed…. And I think this subject was brought up by Joe or Sylvia in the Fort’s waiting room. “We are going to Italy, it would be great if you could join us”. Or something to that extent. I politely said it was not going to happen. There is just too much going on.
A day later…. I couldn’t resist. I had to look and see what it would cost. I went on Expedia and put in dates that coincided with the family…. I was shocked at the price.
I would normally not share prices…. But I feel compelled. I want you to know how reasonable this is. Angela and I, airfare, lodging, taxes and fees…. With Expedia trip insurance…. $1800.00 total. Ohare parking is extra and the Uber from the airport and other small costs will probably creep us up over 2800…. But in the grand scheme of things…. A small amount to pay for a once in a lifetime trip to see the family.
Travel to Europe in the spring or fall and bring a rain jacket. As an added bonus, when it rains, the groups and people clear out!
I contacted Angela at work and she blew me off. I came home that night and told her again what a deal it was. Still no movement. Two days later, I said “we have to do this!”
I think I hit at a right moment. Angela would tell me later that she was having a bad day when I called her and she wanted to get out. She agreed and said “book it”
I called Sylvia and had Joe on the line as I told them we were coming. I really got choked up. This was so joyful, but it feels so selfish. Who are we to have fun? Mike Honan said this would be a challenge when we chatted months ago. I can smile and laugh…. But can we feel joy without guilt? We are trying.
Eventually, Aiden latched on to the trip…. Ugh…. 500 bucks and a lot of begging got it done.
Our romantic castle room sized for 2 Italians now has a sofa bed with a giant meandering around as well. Not quite the dream , but as the week has taken shape, I am glad he is here to experience this time with the family.
There is so much more to share, but Aiden literally wants to walk around till midnight in Rome everyday. I have no time I write!
Watch my instagram and Facebook for photo updates.
@planetstahl
Summer is smiling at her family being able to enjoy life. That is what she would want for you.
Yes you three should be there! You’re so blessed to have this opportunity, one the vast majority of people will never get to experience. It’s so cool, so wonderful, so amazing!
A dear friend lost her son in a tragic accident when he was 15. She rarely got out of bed for 2 years afterward. Her husband mourned alone, though he did continue to work part-time. Their two remaining children, a son age 18 and a daughter age 12, couldn’t turn to either parent for comfort. Their son couldn’t handle his and his parents grief, so he took off with some girl and didn’t come back for over a year. When he did, he took one of the deadliest jobs there is.
Their daughter, daddy’s little princess, basically lost both brothers at the same time, and for all practical purposes, both parents. And even though they knew their parents loved them very much, the remaining siblings live the rest of their lives knowing ‘the favorite’ child, the ‘best’ child died.
When my friend finally crawled out of her hole, she didn’t have any friends left. They’d all given up trying to get her to let them visit, take her out for lunch, just talk on the phone.
Christopher was talked about a lot, which would have been great…, but it was always ‘remember when he did this, remember when he did that’. The couple rarely ‘remembered’ when the other two siblings did things. They ended up growing apart, pretty much lived separate lives under the same roof. He couldn’t sleep in their room, Christopher had died there. She wouldn’t sleep anywhere else, she wanted to be where her son was last. They didn’t go anywhere. He’d insisted they take a long weekend trip to celebrate their anniversary. She didn’t want to go, had a feeling something terrible would happen, he pooh-poohed that and she acquiesced. Had she insisted on staying home and refused to go, Christopher wouldn’t have died the next day. THAT’S guilt. Not in any way, shape or form deserved, but there.
There’s no ‘appropriate’ time or ‘way’ to grieve, but there sure are some unhealthy ones. I kind of think it’s possible your sub-conscious grieved the whole time Summer was in treatment. You still are and always will, to one degree or another.
I never had the opportunity to meet her, but something tells me Summer would kick your butts for passing by this extraordinary, once in a lifetime opportunity. Would she kick your butt for feeling guilty?
You don’t have a damn thing to feel guilty about! From what I’ve heard you two have given your kids a childhood like I didn’t know existed in real life! Between the two of you, with rare exception one of you was with her 24/7 when she was at St.Jude’s – and held down jobs all the while! Think about how blessed you, Angela and Summer were!!
Put your rain jacket on, find some dirt and make mud pies!
Oh, my, Eric. This was an emotional read. I can’t imagine what it was like for you to write it. But, I strongly believe putting one’s thoughts on paper is cathartic. Thank you for sharing. In my humble opinion, your Summer would be proud.