Another old post lying in “draft” status from a year ago. I am not sure if some of this sentiment was posted as a larger post, but I still think there is some sentiment in here that is of value. As I get further away June 23rd 2023… The day-to-day horror has come down several notches on the “eternal sadness” in the pit of despair. I need to scream like Wesley so that everyone can hear me, but I am OK if it’s just on this blog.
It’s very easy to wear your pain by expressing it to everyone who has 2 ears. I have witnessed it. People can’t have a conversation without bringing up something traumatic that is going on in their lives.
Sometimes people will ask how you’re doing because they genuinely care. It’s a nice gesture, early on, I could be an unending vessel of honesty, but as I have matured in this process, I can hit the brakes and “read the room”. Even if the person who asked “How you doing” seems genuinely interested, I will pull back for fear of looking like that crazy guy who can’t stop talking.
Other times people will ask how things are going… But as I start to answer their inquiry, they will quickly interject and start talking about their pain or problems. At first, it bothered me when this would happen. How selfish it is that someone would interrupt or compare notes on who has it worse? But, as I dig deeper and deeper into my head I start to empathize with those I would have normally called insensitive.
There is some terrible common ground here. Everyone has dealt with illness and death. But, a lot of people have not been able to talk about it, and that comes from not having anyone to easily identify as equally hurt. Summer’s trauma, her passing, and this blog are a bit of an open window into mine and our grief. I allowed this and I have a better understanding of the psyche that can unload on me. It’s cool. I get it.
Full Circle.
You see someone and they ask “How are you doing?”. And I answer… “Great? And you?” I am not unloading anymore. I want to, but I get worn out. If you want to get deep… Lets do it. But, I will give you a bounce if it feels like polite conversation.
As Michael Stipe once said… Actually, he said a few times… “Everybody hurts”. At some point, you know that everyone has felt or will feel this pain.
(That’s not entirely true, as you don’t expect your kids to leave before yourself. A comment a few weeks ago from my friend Nikki was spot on… She said that the common experience would be that we all (at a certain age) talk amongst other adults who have similar life-and-death experiences with parents.)