Back to normal?

The days start to blur as we get back to normal life.  I realize it’s been over 7 days since my last post.  It’s not for lack of thinking…  My brain is a bag of crackling wires at all times.  It’s a lot of scattershot thoughts going on in there.

Keys?  Where are they?

Breakfast?  Oh, I forgot.

Did I take lunch?  Yeah at like 3 PM.

Did I print that paper?  Did I order that part?  Yeah, I forgot…

Likely I dropped the ball in a lot of places.  I will freely admit it.

The “tinnitus” that I talked about before, that is my mind thinking about Summer, does not relent.

I have been back to work for over three weeks now and I can see my creative side start to get drawn back by exhaustion.  We have some new staff coming on board at work and I think I had an abnormally rough patch working the service desk for over 3 weeks…  But, that might have been just as well.  It’s a major distraction that pulled me back to society.  (for better or worse)

The highs and lows during a normal workday are extreme.  First, you have to drive to work without feeling like it would be better to stay home.  Then you have to walk in the door and hold your head up as some kind of pronouncement that today is going to be a great day.

Let me check in your car and make small talk…  “How’s your day?” I will ask with no commitment to tell them anything about my day, week, or year.  Most people I see have a routine of seeing us at the store every 6 months.  It’s very 99% likely they know nothing about what’s going on in my life and that is fine.  I am not here, as I said in the previous posts, to place my grief on others weirdly and evilly.

If you know, you know, and are probably a longtime customer/friend.

Throughout the day, the landmines are triggered as I talk to these folks.  Just like the real thing, some are duds… Others can be an explosion.  I can be chugging along just fine and then get a call or get face-to-face with someone who wants to talk about Summer and how we are doing at home.  The question that comes into my head immediately is “How deep do you want this to go?”.  I have to be careful to smile and nod with some folks, be gracious, and take sympathy from people who want to express their feelings.  And, then, be ready to hold it together for those people who REALLY want to be real about it.

Those are tough.  I have had several conversations with people over the past few weeks that have me warning them about the waters we are heading into.  When I present that question… I have been met with the response that I have helped them with this blog… Or “your family is amazing, how do you do it?”  Again… Weirdest damn things.  I don’t believe that we hold any secrets to how to deal with tragedy.  I keep telling people that I feel like George Baily at the end of Its a Wonderful Life.  (Have I said that in the blog before?)

I have always come to the edge of tears as I watch that movie.  When I was younger I resented that George did not get that big suitcase that he could fill up with stickers.  He was going to travel and see the world.  Instead, he stayed in his hometown and worked at a local bank.  In the end…  That stupid little town and all those people he worked with showed up when his family needed help.

Over the past year, little by little I start to realize that our circles of support are far stronger than I could ever imagine.

You don’t want to know these things.  You never want to ask for help.   But when you come to a point in your life where you have stopped moving forward and feel that you are falling backward…  People who care will step up and hold you up.  If need be, I am sure they would have pushed me forward as well.  Its a heck of a feeling.

Songs, photos…  Facebook memories.  They all can conspire to create an emotional mess at any point in the day.  Many times a day I am wiping some tears away from my face.

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I have set up a dangerous precedent of posting pictures of Summer on my “stories” on social media.  Dangerous in the regard that I feel like if I stop, I will have shown that I am no longer thinking of her.  That’s not possible… And I really don’t need to prove it.  But, I continue to dig up old pics and videos and share them.  Stories are kind of fickle as you cannot be sure if the people you want have seen them.  They are gone in 24 hours.   Maybe there is a better way to share… I don’t know.

I wrote this story before when I shared my memories of my Grandfather Stahl when he passed.  Pete Stahl lost his son, my Dad, at the young age of 23.  (There are some bookend symmetries that I try not to think about because it might make me think I have a cursed life.  I have really thought heavily about the connection between these two over the past few months.)

Pete was working on the roof of our 1st house on Hickory Street and I was attempting to be of assistance.  This was probably 1981-ish, I was very young and I still lived and breathed my life as a kid pained by my father’s death.  As the day working on the flat roof progressed…  I remember asking Grandpa “Do you still think about my Dad?”.  I don’t remember much about any ensuing conversation, but I remember Pete saying “I think about your Dad every day”.

That made me happy then…  And it made me happy for the years Pete was around.  He was the torch bearer for remembering my Dad.  I could rest easy that somebody was always thinking of him.  If I didn’t think about him as much as I should…  I knew his memory was “covered”.  I also now know that he had many friends from Fairbury who will never forget him because they were there for his Granddaughter.

Now, as if the script has been slightly rewritten… I find myself, as the Dad thinking about Summer every day.  While I won’t have the interaction of a grandkid to ask me that question…  I know what my future holds.

The other part that I feel is a bit reckless in my ongoing posting memories of Summer is that I am not paying enough attention to my son.  He has been raised by the clan-Stahl over the past year and I admire his strength to get by with little support from us.  But, at some point, I don’t want my son to feel like I love his sister more than him.  So…  I think about that balance and what I can do to make sure equal time is given.

Maybe I think too much?

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Angela and I were coming back from Fairbury with the camper the other day and she said “You are not alone in this”.  I knew what she meant.  The blog and my interactions with people make me feel like I am all by myself dealing with this.  But there could be nothing further from the truth.  Angela, Aiden, Nate, and all our families and friends are dealing with this as well.  (Just not so publicly)

“Don’t carry is all” as cried out by Colin Melloy of the Decemberists rings in my ears sometimes as well… But it’s impossible to not feel isolated in these kinds of feelings.   They start in your head and bounce around in there a lot!  This format for thinking out loud is helpful for dealing with the “feeling’s dump” that needs to happen every couple days.

I did get a mailer from a grief group in Pekin.  It was a nice invite and they seem very organized.  The kicker… They meet at the Pekin Boat Club.  I love a 2 dollar beer!  Do you think they frown on beers in a support group?  I am being a little goofy…  Kinda.  Maybe.

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This weekend is St Jude run in Mackinaw… and I think everywhere???  We will be there for the Mackinaw start and tribute section for Summer.  I need to get my crap together to be more helpful with this next year.  Still not fully ready this year.

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Some people have asked for details on the scholarship fund.  We do not have anything nailed down on the who/what/when/where yet.  Angela and I need to lock this down.  We also need to get with Bill and the community fund to see what’s worth having them manage or do Angela and I want to dictate the terms?

I don’t want to overthink it.  A DeeMack kid who is outdoorsy, smart, and appreciates the arts would be fine with me.  But it’s never that easy.

In the meantime, you can send checks or share this address:

Summer Stahl Memorial / Scholarship Fund

C/O First Security Bank

101 E Fast Ave,

Mackinaw, IL 61755

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My buddies Don and Jake went out to Colorado this past week for their annual camping trip.  A few years ago I took Summer with me and we tagged the trip with #3dads3daughters34runners for all the social media posts.  Don had his daughter, Sofia with him and Jake brought Lily on that trip and they are all back out on the trails this week.

Last year as the trip was getting planned, Summer was just starting her treatment at St. Jude when the gang headed to Ouray and I made a verbal commitment that 2023 would see me back out on the trails again with the guys.

I thought I could swing the drive.  But…  I can tell you that a drive to Pekin is a rollercoaster of emotions and that is a 15-minute span at best.  The thought of driving 20 hours by myself to join in the fun gives me chills.  Maybe a few good podcasts could take my mind off of it like they did when I was driving to Memphis.  But now, I don’t hold that faith in the treatment timeline as I had back then.

I will commit to 2024!

I will also commit to Southern Cruiser Crawl and I really wanted to make Mardi Krawl.  I am not sure I can manage all the weekends required.  Time is a commodity that I never have enough of!

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I want to give a huge shoutout to my friend PJ who lost his Mom today to Cancer.  She came to be with him in her last days.  God bless Johanna.