June 6th, 2004

• Now, on to my Animal Stories section of the site.

  CAUGHT!!!!  The continuing saga of my battle with Mother Nature takes another bizarre turn

  Last Friday night... Unbeknownst to us.... We had some uninvited guests in the house.  I went down to start breakfast Saturday morning, and noticed that Mother's food dish was empty.  It was more than empty!  It was filthy, and she urinated in it!  That seemed odd, but not as odd as the black paw prints that were all over the floor.  Those were not cat prints!  Those look like Raccoon prints!  I checked all the doors, they were all secure.  Then I had an epiphany...  The Chimney Coon!  My worst fears were confirmed when I went to the basement, and found the ash door wide open in the basement.  

  I took a light, shined it in the hole, and saw that little bugger sleeping in the back of the ash chamber.  I was not crazy enough to stick Old Blue in there.  That left me at a loss for what to do.  Without my firearms, I am kinda useless around wildlife.

  Ang insisted on the unthinkable....  Call a professional.  It was the weekend, but the county office referred us to a guy named Jim out of Eureka.

  We got Jim on the line, he said 95.00 to get rid of my guest.  Ang hesitated, and reconfirmed that this pest was worth 95.00 to get rid of...  I hated to tell her yes, but the alternative had not been working to this point.  I have been trying to get this guy for months.  No luck.  This was a golden opportunity to get him once and for all.

  Jim decided to show up about 6 hours later.  He was kinda eccentric and hyper.  I had to run behind him to keep up.  He ran down to my basement...  Took one look inside and said, "Oh, you got more animals here than you think!"

  That's great I thought to myself, the fee just went up.

  "You got a litter", Jim said.  "You will want to stand back while I remove these pups, the Mom is likely to get real angry and attack."

  I suddenly realized that my Old Navy shorts and Deck Shoes may not be apparel suited for a National Geographic adventure.  I  positioned myself halfway up the basement steps at a vantage point that would work well if I had to flee.

  Jim pulled on some big thick welding gloves to his elbows, and started sticking his arm all the way in the hole.  It was like pulling catfish.  The next thing I know, he pulls 3 Jr. coons out of the hatch by various appendages.  Hissing and p*ssing as he tossed them into a cage.  

  Still no sign of Mom though.  At one point, Jim grabbed a baby by the scruff, and stuck the baby's head back in the hole.  Still hissing, he was hoping the little tike would draw her out.  No luck.

  Now Jim, the hired professional, had a plan.  He would set a trap up in the basement, and get on the roof to force the Momma coon down into the trap.

  I tried to tell Jim that my roof was not the best option, but he told me that it was not a problem.

  After trying 3 different access points with his 24' ladder....  Jim said, "I don't want to get on that roof".

  I didn't blame him.  Its a 45º angle from crown to gutter.  Not fun.  Even I have avoided going to the chimney of the house.

  New plan.  Set up the babies as bait right next to the trap in the basement.  Jim would leave all of his gear at my house overnight, and we hoped that Momma would get trapped overnight.

  It worked!

  Sunday morning I woke up like a kid at Christmas.  I ran down the steps like a child hoping the GI Joe Hovercraft is waiting under the tree.  She was there!  Trapped!  Jim's plan had worked.

  Jim's plan also had a side effect.  My basement now smelled like a Mall Pet Store.  Raccoons don't hold their urine very well.  I think they were urinating as I carried them up the steps while in their cages.  Yuck!

  I got the animals out of the house, call Jim at home, and made a plan to meet him in Morton.  

  Still only 95.00!!!!!

  We exchanged goods in the Farm & Fleet parking lot at 8AM on Sunday morning.  It was like a scene from the Sopranos.  If the Sopranos were in Central Illinois and lived on a farm.

  So, its done.  No more roof mounted coon mocking my existence.  I cant believe that they did not get into more of my kitchen.  It could have been like the "Great Outdoors" with animals all over my house.  Imagine what our cat, Mother, was thinking?

• Pickings in the pasture are getting thin, forcing our horses to test the solar powered fence.  It did not put up a fight.  How do I know?  The first signs were the bent posts all around the pasture.  My first instinct: "They are not my horses, I don't care what they do".  That worked for a day or two.  In that short amount of time, they had broken out and surprised Ang by being across the road when she came home from work.  Maaaaaaaan!  That means a total distraction from my indoor project!  One upside, this project provided me the opportunity to go shopping for new and dangerous hardware.  Not the solar powered, California Liberal, Green Party, Oat Bran Eating electric fence.  No, I was looking at 20, 30, 50 mile powered fence generators!  Names like "Weed Patrol", "Burner" and "Teach you a lesson".  (OK, I made that last one up).  I did not get my 100-mile power generator.  I got the 40.  Ang's Dad helped me install the hardware in the barn.  I am pretty sure we are code, if code means splicing old extension cords, and drilling holes through my Morton Building.  Lesson:  The ground wire is just as "Hot" as the deterrent line around the pasture.  For some reason, I thought I could come up later, grab that thing, and wrap it in electrical tape.  Lesson Learned!  I didn't have the classic "Clenched Teeth" moment, but I felt the serious funny bone burn rip right up my arm.  (I think I have a “Stupid Eric Trick” about grabbing a ground and the fence at the same time.  I will have to look).  AFTER ALL WAS DONE:  I sooooooooo wanted to pull up a lawn chair next to the fence and hold out apples for our beasts of burden. (Who is burdening whom?) I wanted to watch them get the just rewards of my efforts.  But, it was 30 degrees and I could fine no way to enjoy any of it.  What a rip!

September 3rd, 2003

• BATS!  The night was moist. Ha Ha! Talk about writer’s block. I have really wanted to put the events of August 30th to print… But the story has not grabbed me. Probably because there is a small amount of confusion about the actual removal of the animal.

  First off, let me say that the bat did get away, and was not killed in the removal process.

  We came home that night, and were expecting a call from our friends Tomi and Jeff. I walked through the kitchen and into he living room hoping to see a blinking light on the answering machine. Nothing. I told Ang that they had not called, and she proceeded to call them from the kitchen phone. While she was dialing, and talking, I started noticing a quick shadow in the living room. At first, from the corner of my eye, I thought I saw something being thrown in the other room.  I thought it was a bird. And, upon a flick of the light switch, realized we had a bat.

  Funny, I have all kinds of stories from friends who have had bats in their house. But, for our 8 years together, Ang and I have never seen this before. Trust me on this, I have killed, maimed and expelled almost all kinds of varmints from the ranch in just 3 short years.

  The bat was trapped, he was flying through the 3 open rooms of the downstairs. Foyer, Living Room, and Dining Room. First, I closed off the Dining room from the Kitchen. This would ensure a funnel. I then closed off the back porch from the Kitchen, and opened it to the Dining Room. Now, it was just a matter of getting him trapped in the Dining Room, and pushing him out the back door. We have pocket doors on that room, so If I could get it closed, I knew we would be halfway home.

  Just as I was getting ready to start scaring the bat into the living room with flailing arm movements… The bat flew right at me in the Kitchen doorway. I kinda shrieked. It was unnerving to be face to face with the rabid beast. Unfortunately, Summer was standing across the doorway from me when my knees buckled…. She got a real uneasy look on her face, and I quickly grabbed her, and carried her out the front door.

  I set Summer outside the living room window to observe the action. It was from this vantage point, that I could see the bat flying through ALL the rooms. So, like a leader, I yelled at Ang when he was in the Foyer, and told her to start getting the dining room doors ready. This would be the event that Ang has pinned on me as “Cowardly”. She would have you believe that I spent 20 minutes outside cuddled behind Summer. Not so! Once the bat hit the dining room, I flew inside, and helped Ang close the doors.

  The bat was now trapped. I looked in on him, and he was doing circles around the dining room. Basically flying around the Chandelier. When I took a second look, he was fastened on the wall using the top picture rail. Ah-Ha, this was my chance. I picked up a broom with all intention of stunning the beast where he hung, but right when I got the broom over my head, he took off again. I crept over to the corner, stood up and waited for my chance to knock him out of the air with the broom.

  Strike One! Just missed, he is quicker than I thought.

  Strike Two! Man, this should not be that hard!

  Home Run! With knuckles whitened from my mighty grip, I knocked a homer that

  would have made Sammy envious in the 15th inning yesterday. The beast propelled to the other side of the room, hit the wall, and dropped.  Did I mention that I batted Lefty?  "I just hope that I can help the team"

  Feeling the testosterone coursing in my veins, I daintily picked him up, and placed him on the back deck.

  5 Minutes later…. He was gone, flying into to the black abyss.  Probably nursing a hangover, and plotting his revenge.

August 13th, 2000

• I bought a Makita Reciprocating saw (Saws-All) today for the Chicken Coup... I was so proud.  All I could think about was Uncle "Mary".

• Got rid of the old Chicken Coup at the farm.  I decided to knock it off the concrete pad, heap it up and burn it.  Well the first part went fine.  But the burning almost had me calling 911.  I am dead serious when I say that you could not get within 30 to 40 feet of thing when it was burning.  It was hot, and out of control!!!!!  A huge ball of fire that almost reached out and touched the tree next to the house.  Thank God that it started to wane after about 10 minutes!  Neighbors were making special trips by my house to get a good look at the "Kids" who moved in!  The tree had sap oozing out of the side near the fire... So it wasn't impressed either!

• The plumber has had to make 3 trips out to the house to fix a leak  that keeps popping up in the basement.  I almost got electrocuted today when I grabbed the copper pipe and started getting a Shocking sensation!  Later Linda and Ang informed me of fading/blinking lights that they had been seeing.  Its good to be informed people, please tell me these things sooner!

February 27th, 2001

• Lucky I didn't have the Camera News:  I walked out to feed the Timmy's tonight, and guess what I saw?  A big old Opossum!  I instantly became the Great White Hunter!  Hemingway would have been proud!  I ran back to the house, grabbed the trusty Daisy BB gun, and proceeded to rain the beast with Copper.  When he sufficiently looked dead (this is why they call it Possum!), I finished him off.  (Graphic details coming, please turn your head if you don't want to know the gory details!)  Anyway, when he was sufficiently playing dead, I took a spade and decapitated the ugly thing.  Then I took a big scoop shovel and threw him out in the field behind the house.  

• Some of you may wonder why I didn't just scare him out of the barn, and be done with it.....  I would have in Delavan, but the Urine of this animal causes health problems for the horses.  Not to mention that I had to protect the Timmy's!

• Today will be an education session.
• Never buy fish that is in the discount bin at the grocery store.  We bought some "Whiting" at Kroger this last week, and it had been reduced for quick sale....  The whole package smelled fishy.  (Almost like low tide!).  Since Ang is on this Diet for the baby, I thought I would fix them on the grill for dinner.  They were still fishy, but edible... We ate 2 of the 4 in the package.  I cooked them all so I could get the smelly things out of the freezer.  Last night Ang substituted the cooked Whiting for Tuna in a Tuna Casserole.  Let me tell you, the only people eating those leftovers are the cats!
• Never run over electric fence with a riding mower.  It only causes you an extra hour of aggravation!
• Never get a bad 70's song in your head before you take the helm of the riding mower....  I kept running the lines of "Blues Image, Ride Captain Ride" through my head!  AHHHHHH!
• Never listen to Don when he sends you an Email about how some band is the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Don sent me and a few others an Email about how Phish is sooooo awesome.  Well, I have a Phish CD in my collection (Don't ask, must have lost a bet!).  I played it while we were cleaning the kitchen on Saturday....  It was not that Great, as a matter of fact it got kinda monotonous!  (Is there such a thing as Kinda Monotonous?  Or is it one of those things that has to 100%?)
• Never order Thermonuclear Hot Wings unless you have the ability to order a beer to wash it down with.  I went to lunch today with a coworker and we ordered the hot ones....  And I almost started crying after 2.  Iced Tea did not cut pain!  Plus you almost had to get a sign to flag the waitress for a refill!
• And last but not least:
• Never assume that a barn cat belongs to you.  I saw our pregnant cat hanging out with the neighbors down the road this morning.  I hadn't seen her in a few days, and just assumed the worse.  Now she will have kittens, and they will hang out over at the neighbors!  for all I know, she had the kittens!  She never calls us!

• Just one more animal to add to the heap!.  Saturday I was driving out to the far end of the pasture to knock down some mole holes...  I saw what I thought was a shimmering piece of metal out in the grass.  As I pulled up, I noticed that it was a Giant Snake cruising through our property!  I pulled up beside it, and it didn't look like a Garter Snake.  
• Being the big man that I am.... I ran it over!  He eventually curled up and died.  
• I felt kinda bad when I found out it was a Bull Snake.  The Bull Snake makes its living killing small rodents and MOLES!  Man did I screw up!  Anyway, the North American Wildlife handbook (Gift from Pete and Marie when I was 12) says that they get up to 8 feet long.  I don't know that I can handle an 8 foot snake on my property, even if he is the good kind!

• We have Kittens! Timmy's!  We picked them up at the neighbors yesterday.  I took a few photos, we will have to see what turns out.  We have 5 in all.  They made it through the first night, lets hope that bids well for the future.  I installed metal grating under all the openings in the barn.  This should keep out Raccoons and Opossums.
• Of course anytime I talk about an installation... What would be the fun unless I got injured?  When I was still drowsy (from the pork), I started cutting this metal fencing with a power circular saw.  I just bought a metal cutting blade a while back,  and it started to disintegrate as I cut 5, Eight foot lengths.  The sparks were flying, and a big chunk of metal went into my eye!  FUN!  I thought I got it out...  But last night my eye was acting like it was more than scratched.  I could barely sleep!  This morning I took a closer look in the mirror, and saw a little piece lodged in the skin of my pupil.  It was like a silver piece of sand.  I tried to brush it out with my finger, and then used the round side of a straight pin to push it out.... None of it worked!  So I went to the basement, and got a big magnet.  I touched my pupil with that, and "Viola"!  All better!   Just thought you all would enjoy a good story!

• I have to share a dream that I had this morning.  (Thank God, Ang woke me up!)  I dreamed that Ang had the baby while I was at work.  It took something like 2 hours, and since I was not there....  She named her "Mittze".  The name, and spelling I remember...  Since I also dreamed that I tried to get her to change it.  She named her that to spite me!  Anther curious thing about the labor...  The baby was 14 pounds, and could not be delivered through normal child birth.  So, they did a C-Section in Angela's Fore-Head!!!!!(Sort of like Zeus, and Kev)  She was laying there with stitches along her hairline!  Funny thing...  Angela was not entertained by my thorough description.  But, Bill and Sandra were!

• I made another couple of bucks yesterday morning...  Loaded up another 600 Pounds of scrap metal, and took it up to Peoria.  I swear that they hosed me...  The truck was sitting like I had 1000 pounds!  But is it worth arguing over 4 bucks?